Parenthood, The Stuff (aka Advice) You Don't Listen to Beforehand

It struck me as funny earlier today that there are SO many things that no one tells you before you have children, or maybe people DO tell you but you don't take them seriously or you just don't listen. I thought I'd dispel some of the myths & illusions here.

First, I'll start with the "Good" Stuff:

You Will Forget about the Pain of Labour - This is very true.  I had an extremely short, painful and natural birth with Jack which was brought on through induction.  No drugs and very little gas and air, so I felt every bit of it.  I must say, I remember having pain, but the instant I held him, I forgot about the level of pain and now, I remember it was uncomfortable, but I'd go through it over and over because it means that I get to look at his precious little face everyday.

You Never Knew What Love Was Until You've Loved your Child - This is also very true.  It is instinctual that you will go to any length to protect your child.  I remember before I had Jack that I loved life, but the love you have for your child, is something completely unexplainable.  You would go to the ends of the earth to protect them and sacrifce anything for them to have what they need in life.  I can only speak for myself here, but I would imagine that the same applies for a bond between a child that has been adopted, once they are your responsibility, it is inevitable that your level and capability of love enhances.

Now...the Not So Good Stuff...

You Won't Sleep for the First 2 Years of Your Baby's Life - This is SO true, and is NOT a lie. I was one of those people that thought, "oh, organization and routine" is how you get a perfect sleeper. But, I promise, it's not true. I was absolutely convinced that a strict routine with my little one while he was small would lead to good sleeping habits when he got older. I can tell you from personal experience, children do not sleep until all of their teeth come in. That might have a few good nights here and there, but I promise, it doesn't last.

People that insist that their child is the "Best Sleeper" are lying. Perfect sleepers don't exist, and those who say their children sleep are simply wanting everyone to think that they have the perfect child.

I must say though, as a parent, it is truely amazing how little sleep you can function on when you really have to!


Babies spit up & vomit, a lot, so be prepared all the time - I thought that burp clothes were only needed for the first few months of a babies life.  I was proven completely wrong tonight when my 11 month old spit up all down my back - oatmeal...yummy.  I'm not really sure why I thought burp clothes were for small babies, it just didn't occur to me that I'd need to wear a towel over me for the first two years of my child's life...at least. 

I will never forget the first time I went to meet a friend of mine for coffee after having Jack.  Jack was probably around 6 weeks old.  I was at the coffee shop, all proud of mysef that I had gotten us both out of the house in one piece, by myself, and I remembered to bring everything with me!  I took out Jack's bottle to feed him, and after a few ounces, Jack looked up at me lovingly and vomited all over me, the sofa, & the floor.  The one thing I underestimated?  The need for additional burp clothes to mop up the vomit....just said I'd warn you :)

Teeth are the Root of All Evil....pardon the pun :) - I had missed out on Kate's teething experiences, so unfortunately I was completely green in  the teething department.  Jack was exactly 8 months old when he cut his two bottom teeth.  Prior to getting these two teeth he had terrible diarriah and a throat infection.  At 11 months he has now only cut his left eye tooth, which brought two ear infections, two throat infections and eczema.  I'm telling you teeth are the root of all evil.

OK, now I'd love to hear from you all! Please share some of the things you'd like to know about, or what you'd like others to know when entering into the wonderful wide world of parenting!  I really hope to hear some of your thoughts!

Being a parent is the best job in the world...even if it is the lowest paid and hardest there is!

Can't wait to hear from you all!!!

Love, Jess xx

10 Things I Hope to Teach my Children

Alright, first I'd like to apologise for being absent for the past few weeks, sick baby with lots of teeth coming at once has deterred the writing process slightly, but I will be back with articles previously posted under the Update.

Second, I was laying in bed thinking to myself that I have often very unfairly judged (and become angry with) my parents for mistakes that I feel that they have made over my lifetime. The problem is that they are human, and as children we never seem to see this. So, here are a few things I'd like for my husband and I to teach our children as they grow older. I thought I'd share them with you all as these lessons have been learned through a lot of tears and therapy! I have also included some lessons my wonderful parents did teach us too.

1. Parents are humans, and we make mistakes! I think I spent the majority of my late teens and 20's being so angry at my parents and blaming them for the cards life dealt me, but in truth, I have learned in my 30's that they did the very best that they could do in raising my brother and I and providing us with a happy home and as little dysfunction as possible. The thing was that they never explained to us that they were HUMAN! We always thought that they were bigger than life, and we could simply not imagine a time when they wouldn't be around. As we grow older, I think that we start coming to the realisation that our parents won't be around for ever and so the thought process changes from "look at what they didn't do for me" to " look at what they DID do for me". I hope to teach our children from a young age that we are human beings and that once in a while we will get things wrong, but that whatever we do, we do it because we love them. I know my parents did.

2. Save Money - Yes, I grew up in the Celtic Tiger era (well a little bit before it, but right on the brink) and in the USA it was even worse. I wanted for nothing, because if my parents didn't provide it to me then I worked myself and blew every penny of my pay check. I am now looking back killing myself for not saving any money when I was younger, because we'd have a small fortune now if I saved some of the money that I used to buy another black top or pair of shoes!

3. Education is Key to Success, so Study and Study Hard - I went to a state University and did moderately well, but in looking back at my education I feel that I really could've taken it a lot more seriously. I think that now and in the future the workforce is and will be such a competitive environment for everyone that only those serious enough to put their nose to the grindstone will come out on top. I intend to teach my children that the key to success is earned through hard work in school starting at an early age.

4. Be Involved in Sports (for as long as you possibly can!) - It is only now with my step daughter Kate do I see the importance of team activities in children's lives. As small children we all take part in team activities such as soccer, football, rugby, hockey (baseball, softball or basketball), but as our children grow older (into their early teens) the chances of them being successful in school and in life increases significantly with their involvement in team sports. If our young adults have a match at the weekend, they are less likely to go out and get into trouble the night before or the days leading up to the match. Our children need the discipline that comes with training and hard work. We mustn't forget also the importance of health and fitness in our children's lives. Sports guarantee our children will be exercising, and the longer they do it as children, the more likely they are to carry these good habits into adulthood.

5. Food is for Nourishment, not Entertainment - OK, I'm not sure if this is an American thing or whether or not, but I grew up thinking that eating out was a form of entertainment, and we did it a lot. It is only now in my mid thirties that I am learning that food is for nourishment, and not for entertainment! Wow, my backside wishes I had learned this a long time ago!

6. It is OK to be Emotional - Without saying too much on this one, I will teach our children that it is ok to feel emotions and it is even better to express them.

7. Talk! - I will keep the communication lines always open with our children. I will invite their friends into our home with open arms and encourage them to spend time here. I will know who my children's friends are, who is dating whom, who is in trouble at school, who is doing well in sports and academics. I will ask questions of our children and invite them to do this same with us as their parents. My parents did this, and both my brother and I were so lucky to have parents that were willing to be so involved in our lives and the lives of our friends.

8. Cook! - I will teach our children to cook more than toast.

9. Sometimes you've just got to eat the Beanie Weenies - This one is for my Dad and is a classic "Dad" lesson. For those of you who don't know, beanie weenies (yes, this is American) are baked beans and hot dogs. My brother HATED beanie weenies as a child and I'm pretty certain that he still does. My Mom used to always make him an alternative meal if this was what was being served to my Dad and I on any given night. On one particular night, my Dad told my Mom that Tommy was going to have to eat what everyone else was eating and that there was no "special" meal going to be made for him. The reason for this was that sometimes you just have to do things you don't want to do and you're not always going to have someone there to give you a special alternative. This one has always stuck with me.

10. Say I Love You (a lot) - I grew up in a house where we told each other how much we loved each other every single day. Sometimes we said it when we didn't want to or at the time didn't mean it, but I think that its important to tell the people that you care about what they mean to you because one day they may no longer be around and you never want to regret not having told them how you feel.

Well, I think that this covers it for the moment. There are LOTS of other lessons, but these are the main themes for now anyway. I hope that you find them helpful.

Jessica x

Update

Working on the following articles:
*Breast Feeding & Pumping at Work
*What are the Best Toys to Stimulate Learning
*Review of New Baby / Children's Products
*The Realities of Post Natal Depression

Please make sure to leave a post if there is a topic you would like to learn more about. Articles do not need to pertain solely to Mommy issues, if there is a woman's issue you are interested in, I'd love to hear from you!

Thanks for your support and interest!

With Love,

Jessica x

Top Tips for Weaning & Baby Led Weaning

If you are like me, the thought of feeding my baby anything but milk scared the heck out of me in the early months! I was absolutely terrified that my little one would choke, and so I was hesitant to give him absolutely anything other then very watery oatmeal for the first 6 weeks that we started weaning.

Surprisingly, my partner, John, was less frightened and so he started feeding our son, Jack off of his dinner plate using his fingers. John would put a little bit of food on the tip of his finger and give Jack a taste. It made our little one feel like a “big boy” and he was thrilled to be having “meal time” with us. He loved eating the same foods that we were eating at the same time as us.

After a few weeks, our son was taking a wide variety of foods including fish, chicken, beef, potatoes, carrots, and peas. I think the biggest key is to not be afraid to give your baby new things, and if they don’t like, don’t give up and discount that particular food…keep trying. Our little ones might not like the way brocolli feels today, but after a few times they will get used to the texture and may learn to enjoy it.

Jack absolutely hated porridge when I started giving it to him (or oatmeal for my USA friends), but I kept trying him with it, and now he loves it.

The World Health Organization suggests that you not feed babies anything other then Breast Milk or Formula until they are at least 6 months of age as their tummies are not mature enough to break down anything other than milk up to this age. In my personal opinion, mommies know best, so if you think your little one is ready at 4 months, then by all means, give it a go. You’ll know they are interested when they are looking at you longingly when you’re munching on food yourself.

There are conflicting reports about the success of Baby Led Weaning (BLW) and if it is the right way to introduce foods to children. I think that a mixture of Weaning and BLW is key. You need to give your baby foods such as purees so that they get used to new tastes and allow their tummies to get used to taking something other then milk, but you also need to give them an opportunity to chose what they like themselves.

Here are some tips that you might find useful:

Only Try One New Food per Day - this will allow you to see if your baby is allergic to it or if it upsets their tummy and it won’t confuse them with a lot of new tastes all at once.

Make Meal Times a Social Experience - Make sure to interact with your little one by laughing and talking to them so they know that this is your time together.

Feed Baby what You are Having - There is no need to be making a whole different meal for your child, before seasoning your own food, set aside a little bit for your little one. Use your fingers to feed them, and after a while try feeding them these foods from their spoon.

Don’t be Afraid of a Mess - Feeding solids to a baby is a messy job, so don’t be afraid of the mess, it can be cleaned up.

Give Mealtimes Plenty of Time - Don’t rush your baby’s mealtime, let them take their time and have fun.

Be Confident & Don’t be Afraid that your Baby will Choke - surprisingly enough, babies have an unbelievable ability not to choke. Their gag reflex allows them to spit up food if it gets caught. You do need to always stay with your child while they are eating and never leave them unattended. Also, it’s a good idea to take a first aid course to learn the different signs for gagging and choking.

Be Persistent - If your baby doesn’t like a particular texture or taste, shelve it for a week or two and try again. Babies must get used to different tastes and textures before they learn to like something, so try try again!

Food Suggestions (from 6 months +):

Rice Cakes with Yoghurt - they dissolve and are a sweet and healthy treat

Toast - White bread works the best. Cover with butter and cut into little soldiers or triangles.

Fish Fingers - Cook under the grill and take off all of the breading, white fish is an excellent source of protein and vitamins for your little one.

Baked Beans - Heat and mash with a fork

Potato Waffles - Cook under the grill until soft and cut into pieces for baby to munch on.

Bananas - Put bananas into the refrigerator so that they are nice and cold, break a piece off and let baby feed themselves. This is a special sweet treat for baby, and feels wonderful on their gums.

Scrambled Eggs - easy to prepare, especially in the microwave, and a great source of protein

The most important thing to remember when you are introducing solids to your baby is to be confident and believe in your instincts. Happy feeding!

It is estimated that approximately 500 children die each year through stillbirth in Ireland, a relatively small number considering approximately 75,000 children were born in Ireland in 2009. This is our story.


The loss of a child through stillbirth can have a devastating impact on the family. Many couples attempt to become pregnant immediately following the loss of their child in an attempt to replace the child they have lost, but as time passes it becomes quite clear that nothing will replace the loss that they have experienced.

In 2009, my husband and I lost a child through stillbirth. It was February 6, 2009, a cold crisp Friday in Co. Cork. We were 23w6d pregnant with our first child when we went into the OBGYN for our second scan. We had been trying to get pregnant for quite a long time, so when we found out we were expecting we were naturally over the moon.

As I laid on the table I was so excited to learn the sex of our child, it had never crossed our minds that there could be anything wrong. As the consultant began to examine the baby, she was unable to hide a horrified look on her face. She quickly asked “was I a smoker” and “what age was I”…my husband gave me a reassuring look, but I knew myself that something was drastically wrong. My mind raced and I recounted that my stomach was extremely small for the baby’s gestation, but because I was on the heavy side, so I thought the baby was simply growing into my body. When I asked the doctor what was wrong, she alarmingly said, the baby is very small and there is very little fluid in the womb. She was completely panicked herself, which put a horrible fear in both my husband and I. The consultant wouldn’t say anymore about the baby, she said that she wanted me to see a specialist consultant at the hospital on Monday so that they could ascertain the seriousness of the situation. She did an internal exam to ensure I wasn‘t leaking amniotic fluid and confirmed that I was not. She later advised me to go home and drink as much water as I could to help build up the fluid in the placenta. She also advised me to rest. We were unable to find out the sex of the baby because there wasn’t enough fluid in the amniotic sac. I remember there being so many unanswered questions when we left the her office.

Later that day, my husband and I were reeling from the consultant’s reaction and her comments. As many people do, we looked to the internet to get answers. I spent the better part of 48 hours researching the causes for small babies and low amniotic fluid, and the only thing I could find indicated that the baby was having difficulties with his/her kidneys. We braced ourselves for a child with disabilities, but never believed that we could lose our child. For the remainder of the weekend, I drank pints of water at a time, literally drowning myself with water. I would stand in the shower for hours hoping that the water would somehow seep through my pours and help my baby grow. I held her and sang to her and hoped that she would be ok. We were to see the specialist consultant at 2:00pm on Monday. I woke with a pain at around 4am, but ignorantly ignored the signs that followed. I started to urinate, a lot. I was in the toilet every ten minutes with floods of water, but still refused to see the obvious. I even sent my husband to work because in my mind there was no need to waste time off, I would need him when my baby was born.

We were called into the specialist consultants exam room and I was prepared for the scan. Seconds seemed like minutes, and minutes seemed like hours as my husband and I waited for the doctor to tell us what was wrong with our baby. After around ten minutes he clasped my hand and said that we was terribly sorry to tell us but that he could not locate a heartbeat. I looked at my husband, he was simply crushed. I attempted to be brave and not cry. Somewhere deep inside of me, I knew that she had passed. I knew that the pain at 4am was her telling me goodbye, I just didn’t want to recognize it. The consultant brought in a radiographer to validate his findings, and sadly she too confirmed that our baby had died. The consultant said that we had a very small window of time to determine whether there were any genetic difficulties with the child, and he asked could he do an amniocentesis. My husband and I both agreed to the test, at that time, we didn’t have the strength to refuse. I laid on the bed while the doctor took the terribly long needle and injected it through my stomach into my womb. It took him roughly fifteen minutes and I knew it was painful but yet I felt no pain. He expressed his condolences again and asked us to wait for my own consultant as she would walk us through the process of having our child.

My first instinct was to have the consultant take the baby out immediately by c-section. How could I bear walking around with a dead baby inside of me? But, the doctors said that they it didn’t work that way, that taking the baby by c-section would likely cause damage to my womb making it nearly impossible for me to have other children, so I agreed to have the baby myself. The doctors kept saying she was tiny, so I assumed that that there would be pain, but being my first pregnancy coupled with my sheer ignorance of this type of loss, I was under the impression that they would manage the pain and that having the baby would be simply like having a bad period. No one explained what I was going to go through, and so the trauma of this loss continued to multiply. The consultant gave me a set of tablets and asked me to take them, she said that they would help bring on labour. They were an abortion type drug apparently, one that would make the uterus start to contract and believe that it was in labour. She told us that I might experience some pain and cramps and bleeding and if the symptoms started to come into the hospital right away. Otherwise, I was to book into the hospital on Wednesday, February 11th to have my baby. She sent us home and told us to take this time to begin grieving the loss of our child. We simply could not wrap our head around what had just happened. My husband and I spent a lot of time together over the next few days. We laughed, cried and did what we could to comfort each other. There was never any signs of cramping, pains or bleeding so we went about our days waiting for the Wednesday morning.

I was to check into the hospital at 9am on Wednesday morning. When I arrived, the receptionist showed me up to a semi-private room, there was another lady next to me that was heavily pregnant who apparently was in danger of losing her baby, although I think that the midwife thought that it would comfort me to know this, it did not. I began taking tablets, similar to the ones the consultant had given me on Monday and so the waiting began. At roughly 4pm I asked the midwife would it be soon? I told her I was starting to have period like cramps. She looked at me and kind of laughed, she said no love. I said, how do you know and she replied you are standing here talking to me that’s how. It was at that moment I knew that I would be going into full blown labour. How in the world had I not realised what I was in for? On top of this utter sadness, I felt humiliated and ignorant. I couldn’t understand how I had failed to ask and how the staff had failed to explain what would be going on. At around 10pm, I finally started to dilate. I couldn’t figure out why they didn’t give me stronger pain medication. There was obviously no danger in harming the baby and I did not want to feel this pain. I was already hurting so terribly already inside. The physical pain seemed like it would simply push me over the edge. The midwife on duty proceeded to give me a shot that only made me vomit. I was wretching in pain and they finally brought us down to the labour ward. I remember the labour ward room was number 11. I remember thinking, this is the VIP room, the one where the people with dead babies are taken, to give them comfort. It had a television and was plush with nice paint and a bathroom. The pain was unbearable and continued to escalate. The baby was in a breech position, so it would make delivering her even more difficult. No one explained that the dilation was where the pain occurred, not actually having the baby. So, finally after a lot of dilating, the contractions stopped and I was left to push my baby out myself. First came her feet, then her legs. I had to stop at her stomach because I was simply too tired to push anymore. The midwife couldn’t help me because I know she though that the baby was too fragile, and forceps would most certainly damage her frail little body. I motored on and in the end, the midwife announced that it was a baby girl. My hear ached. The midwife asked if I wanted to see her, and I simply said no. I couldn’t do it. I was too tired and the loss had been too great and I wasn’t strong enough to face my little angel’s face just yet. My husband sat by my side, he was a pillar of strength and in those hours, he became my champion, my hero. I had never felt closer to him. I delivered the placenta and the midwife again asked me did I want to see it, I said no again. She commented that the baby looked perfect, but the placenta was clearly damaged. This would explain what happened. I could see my baby girl laying on the table across the room, yet I couldn’t bring myself to see her even then. The midwife then took her away.

I spent around an hour in the ward following the birth of my baby. I took a shower in the plush bathroom and I gathered myself up. My husband and I went back upstairs to the ward, and due to the circumstances, he was allowed to stay with me for the night. They brought in a make shift cot for him to sleep on, but it must not have been set up properly because he fell through onto the floor. I remember us laughing hysterically about that, and at that point laughter is exactly what we needed.

The following morning we woke early and the midwife came in to ask us if we were ready to see our daughter? We said yes, and the midwife carried in our baby girl. We called her Peyton Jane. She was small but so perfect. She had my husbands eyes and my nose. Her hands and feet were so tiny. She was smiling and we could see her little tongue. She was magnificent. The midwife allowed her to stay with us for an hour or so, but it became very hard for both of us, so we asked that she be taken away. To this day I regret not spending as much time as possible with her and not having a photograph to remember her by. The social worker and the head Sister of the hospital both came into to speak to us about funeral arrangements, and we were asked if we would like a post mortem examination to be conducted on Peyton. We agreed to have the examination carried out, which is another regret that I have. It was important to find out if there were any health problems with Peyton that we should be aware of because it would help us to be informed if we chose to have more children, but I have to say the day that the post mortem was being conducted I was so uneasy and I felt that the examiners were harming my darling angel.

The day following the post mortem we were told that we could collect Peyton from the hospital. We had planned a small funeral ceremony for her. We were taken into the family room and Peyton was returned to us. They had dressed her in a new baby grow and had put a cap on her head. She had been damaged by the examination and you could tell that the hospital had done its best of cover up her injuries. My husband and I held her for nearly an hour. We laughed and cried and the time came for us to put Peyton into her coffin. We had purchased many different items to put into the coffin with her, so we carefully placed our gifts with her. We took the coffin out to the car and put her in the back seat. I was genuinely frightened of being in a car accident or being stopped by the police, because what if someone hurt her further? What if someone saw us? We arrived in at my husband’s parents house and I regrettably left Peyton in the car. I was afraid that the family would be spooked by us bringing Peyton inside. My mother in law laid out her sitting room beautifully and covered her coffee table with a white cloth and flowers. She encouraged us to bring Peyton in so that the whole family could pray around her. My sister in law had bought us a broken heart necklace, one piece for us and another to be put in Peyton’s coffin. My husband and I decided to open her coffin so that we could put the beautiful necklace inside. To my surprise, the entire family asked to see our Peyton. We were so thrilled that they wanted to see her and we were so genuinely proud of her. The entire family commented on how perfect she was and what features reminded them of each of us.

Following a lovely ceremony at the house by the priest, we proceeded up to the graveyard and laid our little princess to rest with my husband’s grandfather. It was Valentines Day, and February 14th will never be the same for us.

The days, weeks and months that followed were very difficult. I returned to work 3 weeks later as I needed a distraction and I thought that work was the perfect thing to throw myself into. Little did I know, my bosses had another plan for me. I was made redundant a few weeks after I returned. I was so angry. It was only myself and another girl that were let go from our firm, and we had been there longer then half of the staff of 24 that were left working there. Almost two years later, I see that they did me a favour, they allowed me the time I needed to grieve the loss of my daughter.

In August 2009, we became pregnant again. It was the most terrifying experience ever, but on May 11th 2010, we gave birth to our angel on earth, Jack. If it weren’t for our angel in heaven, Peyton, we would never have our darling baby Jack.

Throughout this experience, I have learned a lot of lessons. From Peyton I learned that strength and perseverance are the true qualities of a hero. She is my little hero. The post mortem and amniocentesis tests concluded that a bleed between the wall of the uterus and the placenta caused the placenta to fail. It is due to a rare non-genetic clotting disorder that I have. Through these tests and the loss of Peyton, the doctors were able to treat my condition with medication and we were able to have a healthy and happy baby. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t thank God for Peyton and for Jack.

I also learned that everything happens for a reason. I think that we had to lose Peyton to appreciate how good our lives are and to allow our love for each other to grow stronger day by day.